#doing it all for us

[loveesiren]

Doing It All For Us (Pt. 1)

Masterlist

Rafe Cameron x Reader

Summary: Y/n moves to the Outer Banks from California, reuniting with her best friend. She's quickly introduced to Rafe Cameron, the psychotic Kook King of Figure out.

Warnings: Drug use, drinking, swearing, virginity, slut shaming, fighting, toxic

Word Count: 4.4k

As soon as Rafe Cameron laid eyes on you, it was over for every other fucking girl on the island. The way your hips swayed in your little black dress. The why the glitter coating your eyelids shimmered when the light hit them just so. The jewelry that clung to your skin. You were breathtaking.

Rafe couldn't pick his jaw up off the floor as you walked past him, not even glancing in his direction. The two girls sitting beside him stared at you with hatre filled eyes.

"What's her name?" Rafe asked, his eyes focused on your figure as you walked up to a group of people at the party.

Topper and Kelce burst out laughing. Rafe turned to face them. "What?"

"Dude, she will squash you like bug," Kelce laughed.

"Her name." Rafe demanded.

Kelce sighed. "Y/N Y/L/N." He responded. "Just moved here from California. The new Kook Queen if you ask me."

"Her dad works for Elon Musk or some shit, dude. She's filthy fucking rich." Topper added.

"Who cares?" One of the girls, Jessica, asks as she clings to Rafe's arm.

"She ain't shit," Maria said.

Rafe pays them no mind as he brings his eyes back to you. Dark hair, perfectly straightened, falling to the small of your back.

"Let's go say hi to the new girl," Maria suggests as Jessica gets up to join her.

You and Courtney are throwing your heads back with laughter when two girls approach you.

"Courtney, gonna introduce us to your friend?" Maria asked.

Courtney sighed. "What do you cunts want?"

"Wow, so rude! We just wanted to give the newest member of the island a warm welcome." She said as she turned to you. You scoffed at her sarcasm.

"I'm Maria, and this is Jess," Maria said as she extended a hand to you.

You curled your left hand back, pulling your drink to your shoulder as your other hand reached out to grip hers firmly.

"Y/N." You gave a bitchy smile.

"So, are you here to be the next biggest slut on the island? Not sure you could compete with Courtney here." Jessica asked.

You glanced at Courtney, her eyes full of hurt but she quickly looked to the floor.

You turned back to her. "Ha, funny!" You said before throwing your drink in her face and grabbing her hair, quickly slamming her face down into the beer pong table beside you.

"Holy shit!" The guys around the table said as they stepped back. Rafe stood up quickly and watched you as you continuously slammed this girls face into the table.

You pulled her head back so that you could look at the work you'd done on her face. "Keep Courtney's name out of your mouth. Keep my name out of your mouth. That way, I won't have to finish your bitch ass off, cunt!" You yelled to her before dropping her to the floor. Maria was quickly by her side.

"Anyone else have a fucking problem?!" You yelled, scanning the room as everyone stared at you. You were met with silence and shaking heads. "Cool! I'm Y/N, I just moved here." You announced, a satisfied smile on your face. "Nice to meet you all!" You chuckled before turning around and walking out of the party.

"Goddamn dude!" Topper and Kelce conversed as they clung to eachothers shoulders. Rafe watched you leave, paying attention to the confidence in your stride. I small smile broke across his face.

Rafe Cameron was in love.

___________

You sat at the table sipping your mimosa. Courtney mirroring your behavior across from you. "Ugh," You groaned. "I'm never doing that much coke again!"

"Never again," Courtney repeated as she rested her head against the base of her palm.

You had woken up in time to get brunch at the club. Well actually, you barely ever went to sleep. You knew you wouldn't be able to eat much but you definitely needed your morning mimosa to nurse this hangover.

Your navy blue bikini hugged your body tight, dangerously close to exposing you. Gold chains clung to your waist and arms. Eyeliner big and bold, lined with your signature rhinestones. You could feel eyes judging you and the thought made you giggle.

"So how do you like the island so far?" Courtney asked, taking a small bite of her toast.

"It's different," You admitted. "But it's cute. The parties are fun." You winked at her.

"Yeah, everyone is talking about that." Courtney giggled. "You haven't even been here two weeks and you already beat the shit out of one of the islands most adored Kooks."

You chuckled. Courtney had explained the Kooks and Pogues to you. It made you laugh. You thought the concept was silly. But when you drove to the Cut to pick up coke from Barry, you realized why there were two entirely different worlds inhabiting the island.

Courtney was full Kook. Tall, thin, blonde. She had been your childhood best friend back in LA. When she moved to the Outer Banks for her dads new job at 16, you stayed in close contact. When your dad told you you'd be moving out there with him because he got promoted, you were ecstatic. Saying goodbye to California was hard but you were so excited to start a new adventure with your best friend.

Your dad bought a nice little mansion in Figure Eight. A few houses down from Courtney's. It was just the two of you, and your dad traveled a lot. Courtney often came over to keep you company in the large house.

You had the master bedroom. The ceiling was tall, plenty of windows for the southern sun to shine through. A fire place under your tv. A HUGE walk in closet with a huge bathroom to match. Your dad opted for the bedroom on the other side of the house. The one that connected to his office. Needless to say, he was always in there or traveling. The rest of the house was practically yours.

"You should throw a party," Courtney suggested. "Your dad will be gone all weekend right?"

Your eyes lit up at the idea. You gave her a half smile. "Invite all the Kooks you know!" You teased.

She grabbed her phone, ready to send out a mass invite to the rest of the island. You eyed some of the golfer's on the course. You slid your over-sized shades down your nose as you took in the site of one tall, shaggy-haired boy swinging his club around and laughing.

"Message sent!" Courtney squealed.

You watched as the boy took his phone out of his pocket and checked his messages.

"Who's that?" You asked Courtney.

She giggled and rolled her eyes. "That would be Rafe Cameron. Kook King."

Party @ Y/N's. Saturday @ 8. Bring booze.

Rafe read the message and smiled before his eyes flickered up to where you and Courtney sat on the deck of the club.

Rafe's eyes met yours and you grinned at him. He looked back down at his phone and typed out a message.

"Speak of the devil," Courtney said as she witnessed the exchange. "Rafe will be there." She said as she danced her phone in front of your face.

You gave Rafe one more lustful look before you pushed your sunglasses up your nose and turned your attention to the waiter. "2 tequila shots, please!" You asked.

Rafe bit his lip and scanned your body one more time before heading back to his game.

___________________________________

"You almost ready Court?!" You called before throwing back another shot of tequila. You looked in the mirror, making sure all the rhinestones glued to your eyelids were stuck in place over the shimmery blue eyeshadow you had chosen.

Girls here were so basic. You were thankful Courtney still knew how to make a lasting impression.

"Yep!" She said as she came out of the bathroom. Her tight purple dress hugging her skinny form. "What do you think?"

"Cute as fuck!" You said as you motioned for her to twirl around. "Let's show these Kooks how to fucking party!" You said as you grabbed her hand and dragged her downstairs.

Before too much longer the house was bumping with bass from the surround sound that echoed in every room. You laughed as you walked through the crowd of people drinking and dancing. You made your way outside just in time to see someone jump off your roof into your pool.

You were super drunk, seeing double. "Fuck, I need a line." You said to yourself as you ran your fingers through your hair. You made your way back inside towards the nearest bathroom.

You pounded on the door but it remained locked. "Ugh!" You screamed as you made your way towards the laundry room in the back of your house.

You stumbled past the door and closed it behind you, trying to gain control of your senses.

"You good?" You heard a voice say to you.

You jumped, not expecting anyone to be in here. You looked up and locked eyes with Rafe Cameron.

"What are you doing in here?" You asked him

"Drugs." He shrugged before leaning over the dryer and inhaling a large line of cocaine.

"Gimme some," You demanded as you stumbled towards him.

"As you wish, Princess." He smiled, offering you the rolled up bill.

You snorted two lines in a row and smiled as you lifted your head back up, feeling a thousand times better.

"Thanks," You said to him. "I was starting to feel sick."

"No problem," He said, smiling down at you.

Fuck, he was tall. And cuter up close.

"I'm Y/N." You said, offering him your hand.

He brought your hand up to his mouth. "Rafe," He said before placing a soft kiss on your knuckles. The gesture sent chills through your body.

"What brings you to the Outer Banks?" He asks as he turned to cut up more lines.

You boosted yourself up onto the washer. "Dad got a promotion. Does financing for Tesla or something. I don't really know. He's not around much."

"Really?" He asks, genuinely curious.

"Yeah. Pretty much deposits money into my bank account every month and fucks off." You say as your look down, kicking your feet nervously.

"What about your mom?" He asks, handing you the bill.

You jump down and snort another line. "She died when I was really young." You said as you wiped your nose.

"Yea, mine too." He said before bending over to take his line. "Right after my youngest sister was born."

"How many sisters do you have?"

"Two," He responds, pinching his nose. "They're annoying as fuck." He chuckled.

"Hmm," You smiled. "I wish I had siblings." You said.

He eyed you up and down. Making you almost nervous. "What?" You asked.

"Nothing," He chuckled. "You're just uhh...you look really beautiful." He confessed shyly.

You smiled at him. "You're not so bad yourself."

You spent the rest of the night in the laundry room with Rafe. Talking and laughing, completely ignoring the party going on outside. You knew your phone was buzzing but you ignored it as you and Rafe had intimate, coked out discussions. He told you all about his family and you told him about yours. He told you about his passions and his dreams and you were interested in every single detail he had to share.

"Y/N!" You heard Courtney banging on the other side of the door.

"Shit!" You said as you got up from your spot on the floor, letting Courtney in. The light that shined through the door hurt your eyes.

"What the fu-" Courtney began as she noticed you and Rafe sitting across from eachother on the floor. "Is this where you were all night?"

"What are you talking about, Court?" You said as you raised a hand to your eyes to shield you from the light.

"Y/N! It's 9am! Everyone is fucking gone. Besides Topper and Kelce and a few others who passed out in the living room."

"What the fuck?" You asked confused as you made your way to your feet. Your eyes finally adjusting to the light. "Are you serious?"

"How much coke did you guys do?" Courtney laughed as you and Rafe pushed passed her and made your way out to the kitchen.

"Fucking shit." You said as you took in the sight around you. Cups and bottles littered every inch of your house.

"I can call my cleaning lady," Rafe said as he pulled out his phone.

"Uh, yes fucking please," You said. "I'm not cleaning up a party I barely attended."

"You're the one who threw it!" Courtney said, smirking as she crossed her arms.

You turned to flip her off as you made your way to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of Fiji water. You chugged half the bottle before grabbing two more and handing them to Rafe and Courtney.

"Thanks," Rafe said softly. You offered him a small smile and leaned back against the kitchen counter, staring into your living room.

"So who the fuck are these guys?" You ask, taking another sip of water.

"Those would be my best friends," Rafe chuckled.

You gave a sarcastic frown. "Classy," You nodded.

The way Rafe's eyes met yours as he chuckled made you nervous, but excited.

"Morning shots, bitches!" Courtney screamed as she dug out her hidden bottle of tequila and chugged a good shot and a half before handing the bottle to you.

The guys on your couch started to stir. "You guys are already drinking again?" Topper asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"What? Can't keep up with Cali girls?" You teased as you threw back a couple shots from the bottle and passed it to Rafe.

"Bet." He said before taking a swig.

____________

The five of you ended up drunk on the beach. You, Rafe, Courtney, Topper, and Kelce to be exact. Rafe's cleaning staff had come by and you all decided to leave them to it and go enjoy another round of partying.

You and Courtney laughed as you passed the bottle of tequila back and forth.

"Yo, quit hogging. I need some hair of the dog." Kelce said as he reached for the bottle.

"Pussy," You chuckled as you handed it to him. "Come on, Court. Let's swim!"

You and Courtney raced down the sand to the waves and dived in. Little did you know Rafe was watching you intently. He eyed you as you came up from under the water and slicked your hair back. The way you jumped onto your taller best friend and swung around with her. The way you threw your head back and laughed. He saw it all in slow motion as he breathed in the sight of you. You were nothing short of a Goddess and it took everything in him to stay put and watch you from afar.

"She's so hot," Topper drooled as he pressed the bottle of tequila to Rafe's arm, snapping him out of his trance.

"They're both so fucking hot," Kelce added as he watched you and Courtney play closely in the water.

"Haven't you already fucked Court?" Topper asked.

Rafe took the bottle from him and took a short sip before resting his elbows back on his knees, swirling the tequila around in the bottle in front of him.

"Yeah, but like..." Kelce began. "I need to fuck them together." He laughed.

"Shut up, Kelce." Rafe scolded him.

"Whoa man," Kelce said, bringing his arms up in defense. "Don't tell me you wouldn't do the same."

Rafe ignored him, taking another swig. He honestly wouldn't. He didn't look twice at Courtney. All he could see was you. The only thought he had about Courtney was wishing he was in her place right now as he watched you jump into her arms and pull her under water with you.

"Yeah, he's whipped." Kelce concluded. Him and Topper both laughing.

"What?" Rafe asks.

"Bro, we've been trying to get your attention for like five minutes. Pick your jaw up off the floor and wipe the drool from you mouth." Kelce laughed.

____

"I think he likes you," Courtney teased.

"Who?"

"Rafe, dumbass! He's been staring at you for like 30 minutes. It's actually creepy."

You smile, chancing a look at Rafe. He was looking at you and you offered a smile in return. You brought your hand up and waved a couple fingers at him. You could see a hint of red spread across his cheeks and that satisfied you.

"He's cute." You tell Courtney simply as you wade in the water. You enjoyed the warmth the Atlantic had to offer over the ice cold feeling of the Pacific.

"He's cute?" Courtney asked. "Bitch, you were locked in a room with him for like 10 hours. Don't act like something isn't going on."

"We were high," You chuckled. But you remembered every single detail of your conversations with Rafe.

Before Courtney could say anything back, her face fell as she looked toward the beach behind you.

"What?" You ask before turning to meet her gaze.

"Trouble has arrived," Courtney sighed as you spotted Jessica and Maria chatting up the boys.

"Fuck those cunts," You said as you looked back out towards the ocean.

___

"Man, ya'll better get to steppin'," Kelce told the blonde bimbos that just approached him as he nodded toward the water.

Jess and Maria turned to lock eyes with you and Court in the water. Jessica scoffed. "Sluts will be sluts," She said loud enough for you to hear.

"Yeah, how's that nose feeling, bitch?!" Courtney yelled back at her.

"Oh, like it's my fault your little friend caught me off guard!" She yelled back.

"Oh, you wanna go for round two?" You asked as you emerged from the water.

Rafe's eyes scanned your body as water dripped off of your skin and hair.

"Go ahead, bitch!" You said as you came within a couple feet of her. "Throw the first punch!"

Rafe quickly got up and wrapped his arm around your waist. "They aren't worth it, sweetheart." He whispered against your temple as he pulled you back.

"Wow Rafe, didn't peg her as your type." Jess scoffed.

"You know what, go the fuck away!" Rafe yelled at them as he kept a firm grip on your waist, using his other hand to wave the girls off.

"Bye-bye," Courtney waved at them, giving them her devilish smirk. She knew good and well the girls lusted after Rafe and Kelce. She could see the jealousy rise in their faces when Rafe wrapped his arm around Y/N.

"Have fun with the sluts!" The girls yelled as they walked away. Rafe tightened his grip on you as you tried to go after them.

"Yeah, suck my dick, cunt!" You yelled after them.

"Hey, hey, hey," Rafe said as he grabbed at your hips and turned you to face him. "They're just a couple of dumb bitches, don't let them get to you."

"They fucked with Court," You said dryly.

"Hey, let's go to the club, I'll buy you a drink, yeah?" He asked. His fingers brushed your chin lightly as he gently pulled your gaze towards him.

You relaxed a little. "Yeah, okay." You said, offering a small smile.

_____________

You spent the next few weeks with your new crew. Topper still had school, and of course, he was dating Rafe's little sister, Sarah. But he made it a point to come around as often as he could. Sarah wasn't overly thrilled about that considering the way the rest of the island saw you and Courtney. Short skirts, bold make up, colored hair. It was like no one on this island had ever seen a person outside the island before.

But you and Court walked with confidence, swaying your hips as every pair of eyes stayed glued to you. Not to mention the boys trailing closely behind you. You felt like you owned this island.

Apart from Court, Rafe had become your best fucking friend. The two of you were practically glued at the hip. And it didn't go unnoticed that you both had a temper. You both hyped eachother up easily. He'd never met a girl that could party like you. One that could keep up with him. And when you lost your temper, Rafe was able to pick you up and carry you away with one arm before you caused any real damage. And when you could see Rafe ready to knock someone out, your voice calmed him. He melted every time you spoke, as if God herself had come down to whisper in his ear.

But Rafe would never tell you that. He watched as you danced with guys at parties, always keeping an eye on you to make sure they didn't push it too far. It destroyed him to see you cling to another guy, that guy making you smile. But at the end of the night, you were always going home in his truck, laughing and smiling the whole way. He wouldn't dare ruin that.

The group spent a lot of time at your house since your dad was almost never home. Rafe spent the most time there. He had confided in you about how his dad only cares about Sarah and always gives him a hard time.

"Fuck him," You spat. "Wanna kill him?" You ask, raising your eyebrows with a devilish smirk before leaning over your coffee table to rail another line of blow.

Rafe chuckled, knowing you were joking. But he loved the psychotic look that passed over your face.

"But seriously, Rafe," You said as you looked back up to him, pinching your nose and sniffing. "You're a good person. Like, the best person I've ever met. And if your dad can't see that then it's his loss."

"Yeah," He said as he took the rolled up bill from you. "You're right," He leaned over and took his line. "I just, uh, I just wish he'd be like proud of me, ya know?"

"Yeah, I know Rafey." You said, smiling at him softly.

He smiled back at you, taking in all of your features. Your deep, Y/E/C eyes shining up at him under yesterdays glitter. The way your messy hair still made you look like a model. The glow of your highlighter against your tan skin.

"Rafe? Rafe!" You snapped, trying to get his attention.

He snapped out of his trance. "What?" He said, almost surprised.

"Dude, we need to sell the rest of this shit." You told him as you motioned to the eight ball on the table. "Barry is gonna fuck you up. He's expecting his money tomorrow."

"Yeah, yeah, I got it covered." He said. "There's a bonfire on the beach tonight. Like, everyone will be there. We can definitely sell all this."

"Alright, cool. I'll go get ready." You said as you made your way to your bedroom. "Hey, Court is on her way over! Let her in, will you?" You shout back to him as you make your way down the hall.

"Anything for you, sweetheart!" He shouts back.

You blush slightly at his words.

You touched up your make up, throwing some of your signature rhinestones on. Then you pulled on a pretty skimpy red bikini and a pair of dark blue jean shorts over it. You draped yourself in your usual gold jewelry and put in a cute dangly Chanel belly ring.

"Hey bitch," Courtney said as she walked through your door and laid on your bed. "You look hot,"

"Thanks bitch," You said as you sprayed way too much of your KKW perfume on your skin.

"I'm surprised Rafe isn't in here gawking over you as you get ready." She chuckled as she laid on her stomach and rested her chin in her hands.

"We're just friends, Court," You smiled at her. "He's like, my best friend."

"Oh, cuz fuck me right?" Courtney responded.

"You know, other than you, dumb bitch." You chuckled.

Rafe stood outside the door quietly. He had intended to come see if you were ready but he couldn't help but eavesdrop on the girls conversation.

"So you're telling me you're not gonna let Rafe motherfucking Cameron take your virginity?"

Rafe's eyes widened at the statement and suddenly he felt guilty for listening in.

"Court!" You hissed.

"Don't worry! Your secret is safe with me. The whole island still thinks you're a little slut like me." She chuckled. "But bitch, this isn't the 80s, you need to catch a dick!"

"Unlike you, I get pleasure elsewhere." You stated.

Courtney sighed. "An unhealthy addiction to cocaine is hardly what I'd call pleasure. Besides, you've never even done it. How do you know sex wouldn't be better?"

At this point Rafe knew he needed to walk away. He made his way back to the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge, trying to calm his nerves.

You and Courtney finally came out of your room. Rafe eyes immediately fall to your breasts, barely contained by the small bikini top. He quickly looks back up to meet your eyes and smiles. "I like your make up," He says softly, hoping you didn't catch him slip up.

"Thank you," You smiled up at him.

"What am I, a fucking side salad?" Courtney huffed.

"Chicken caesar," Rafe shot back. "The best salad in all the land. You look gorgeous as well." He told her.

She rolled her eyes and smiled. "Thanks Rafe. I'm always happy to be this steaks side salad," She giggled, gesturing to you.

You all burst out laughing.

"Ya'll are wack," You said as you giggled your way to the kitchen. "Pregame?" You asked, pulling out a bottle of tequila and 3 shot glasses.

"Just one," Rafe says. "Gotta drive the Kook Queens around."

You smile at him before pouring the shots. You slide one to Courtney and Rafe and hold yours up. "To the queens," You smile seductively.

"To the motherfucking queens!" Courtney said before throwing hers back, you and Rafe doing the same. "Hit me again!"

You and Courtney take a few more shots before you're feeling buzzed enough to be social. "Let's make some money!" You say as your jump onto Rafe and cling to his neck. He spins you around once before putting you down.

"Let's do it," He says with a smirk as he ushered you and Courtney out the door.

He opens the passenger door for you to climb into his truck before opening the back door for Courtney. Once you are both comfortably inside he shuts the door and makes his way to the driver's side.

"Bluetooth!" You scream at Rafe, ready to play your music.

"Okay, okay," He says. He taps a few buttons on the screen until it says your phone is connected. "Here ya go, sweetheart."

"You know what?" You say, cocaine and alcohol sending a nice chill through your body. "I feel fucking good!"

"Amen to that!" Court says from the back seat, taking a swig from the bottle of tequila.

"I wanna show you guys a song," You say, scrolling through your phone. "Bump this shit and tell me it doesn't make you feel fucking Euphoric!"

All the windows were down and you and Court leaned back out the window, letting your hair fly in the wind. You held her hand as you both laughed with happiness.

Rafe's eyes scanned your body. Your arched back as you leaned out the window. Your skin was perfectly tan and your body jewelry clung to you just right.

He had to pry his eyes away to keep them on the road. But you were right. He felt fucking euphoric.

"All for us," He whispered to himself.

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!

[bixels]

As gen-AI becomes more normalized (Chappell Roan encouraging it, grifters on the rise, young artists using it), I wanna express how I will never turn to it because it fundamentally bores me to my core. There is no reason for me to want to use gen-AI because I will never want to give up my autonomy in creating art. I never want to become reliant on an inhuman object for expression, least of all if that object is created and controlled by tech companies. I draw not because I want a drawing but because I love the process of drawing. So even in a future where everyone’s accepted it, I’m never gonna sway on this.

[idcaboutart]

all that remained were fields of dreamless solitude

only you can show me this

[beaft]

do genuinely find it fascinating how indeed.com is like the biggest job-hunting website out there and yet manages to be profoundly useless in every possible way

[almondpiglet]

ppl were drawing mikus from all over so heres habesha miku and her lil twin sibs rin and len!!

[batcavescolony]

Katniss is such an unreliable narrator. She says "Then something unexpected happens. At least, I don't expect it because I don't think of District 12 as a place that cares about me" girl you deliver strawberries to the Mayor, you hunt and trade for the district, when you fell at Prim being chosen someone caught you, when you went to Prim people parted for you, when you volunteered EVERYONE stopped. Idk how to tell you but I think you're a pillar of the community.

[emilianadarling]

- Timothy Snyder. The first and perhaps most important lesson from On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons for the Twentieth Century (2017)

Snyder's new book, On Freedom, was published in 2024.

[lazylittledragon]

can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024

[xpurplepiex]

when i started watching g1 for the first time, i was NOT prepared for whatever the fuck its doing with Megatron's transformation😭😭

it gave me so much psychic damage

[loveesiren]

Bringing Doing It All For Us back to Tumblr 🫶🏼

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

I love you Safety Wizard.

(Inspired by @keroascrazy)

[inkskinned]

i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".

it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.

do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.

but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.

do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).

you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.

walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.

no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.

do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."

you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.

there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.

i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.

he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."

[stil-lindigo]

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

[stemmmm]

more people gotta try this shit where bill has not improved and will not change but he's just chilling so its fine probably. its great

[retquits]